The H.R. Doctor is In - Aug. 22, 2016

Sometimes Loneliness Can Be a Good Thing

I dictate this article while staring out the window looking out at a lovely pasture. I can roam around the property and the house and encounter only my two canine friends. I can talk to myself or talk to them, or not talk at all. The reason is that for the past 10 days the beautiful HR spouse Charlotte is in the south of France at a watercolor painting workshop.

Like many of us, she has had a dream of doing something extraordinary to reinforce a personal passion —  as an amateur watercolorist. She loves being able to retreat into the world of her painting studio for the sheer pleasure derived from doing something she loves. I am very proud of the progress she is making as a dedicated amateur.

I benefited from the loneliness of not being in constant communication with my dear Charlotte; I appreciated her even more. I anticipated sharing in her excitement and adventure when she returned. She will share her drawings, photos and paintings with me, and I will be infected by her obvious joy at being back home and having learned a lot.

The more you love a hobby and, if you are very lucky, your profession, the more it is obvious to other people who sense your excitement and cannot help but smile. In fact the root of the word “amateur” itself is first to do something for the love of it.

The very luckiest people are those who have found a career, if not also a particular employer that makes them happy every day as they go to work. Work in these cases does not describe how they feel about what they do. I am one of those fortunate enough to have found a county government career. I felt excited virtually every day for decades. I know many friends and colleagues who are also lucky in that regard.

Conversely, I know there are many people struggling in jobs they don’t like. They feel trapped and as a result, their work gives them no joy.

Part of successfully overcoming the ill effects of loneliness is to be comfortable with your own self and with the skills and experiences that have shaped your life so far. I actually enjoy opportunities to be alone with nature. I enjoy time on a clear night in my observatory communing with the amazing wonders of the sky. The evening often involves my large telescope, “Olivia,” and me. The equipment allows me to do things, which the greatest professionals in astronomy could not do until only a few decades ago.

However, a more permanent state of loneliness is not a healthy thing for an individual. Feeling lonely and sad about your work, let alone the other parts of your life, is not what human beings are all about. We were meant to associate with others, ideally in productive ways with our families, our fellow tribal members or colleagues at work.

In the mentoring and training I’ve done, I offer some basic points about how a career and an overall life of joy and passion, can be found.

The first is to explore. Deliberately work to understand what different jobs or different hobbies are all about and how you might expand them. Decide which pursuits bring you a meaningful sense of achievement and excitement. Do not to be afraid to be explorers and hunters searching through the many opportunities available in the world. Build on the things that get you excited and curious.

Once a person appreciates the value of exploring, the second step becomes easier. That step is to “Find Thyself a Teacher.” That advice from the ancient book of wisdom called the Talmud means to get help from someone you respect to be a mentor and role model. Perhaps that person is a parent, perhaps a teacher at school or a colleague at work — someone who inspires you to learn more and makes suggestions about how to enter a profession or pursue a hobby. “I think I would like to study medicine, doctor. How can I spend some time with you to learn what it’s really like? How did you decide that medicine was right for you?”

Being a volunteer or being an intern can be done through many of the formal programs that exist. However, it can also happen purely by a quiet moment with a skilled professional, not being afraid to ask questions as you explore and search. The answers may lead you to a new career, a new place to work, or strategies to affect the behavior of your arrogant, annoying boss, “Mr. Godzilla.” One place your efforts will likely take you is the wonderful situation in which you say when you wake up early for an annoying commute, “I get to go to work today” and not “I have to go to work today.”

Loneliness can be a wonderful thing in the sense of spending time contemplating the direction in which you can steer your life, enjoying the passion of a hobby and enjoying the use of your imagination to create a positive outlook. Those are great advantages for work and for the rest of life. They are made possible by respecting yourself and enjoying the mindfulness that comes from moving away, even briefly, from many of the distractions and intrusions which pollute our lives.

Once that time ended for me one day last week, it was time to drive carefully to the airport to meet my beautiful wife and to share the joy of her experiences. In my case, my trip to pick up Charlotte included bringing our dogs with me. They too wanted to see firsthand (make that “first paw”) that she was back with them. You don’t have to be a two-legged creature to miss somebody you love and to welcome them home.